What · is · this?

Just another victim

I went out. Had some drinks. It was a lovely night. Not a cloud in the sky. Not a significant day. I know the general time of month. What is time now that I’m a victim? They say the best revenge is served cold. Vengeance is the coldest at all. It creeps at you like a love letter you never expected to receive through the loneliness the long day.

It was supposed to be a trip. It was a risk. I knew that from the beginning. My only trap being the color of my skin, because my people abused their people, back when neither of us knew anyone. I donated the money. I became a liberal. I speak against the tyranny of conservatism, yet. The animals elsewhere blame me for their poverty, desperation, tradition, corruption, not to mention…addiction. Take my clothes and money. Take my life, but don’t put a tumultuous curse in my blood. Take anything you want, but don’t damn me with the stigma of sexlessness. Don’t cut off my family. Don’t damn my production, and if I decide to go for another… re-production.

I got in my car. From my car in my home until the wheels touched the lot. Feet from the lot of the University into the trolley. From the trolley. To the foreign country. From the ground to the taxi. From the taxi to the club. I had a few drinks. I had a nice dance. I had a few more. Like a monet painting. The ceiling got blurry. My sack of bones hit the floor.

So I dreamed a dreamed. I was falling. My anxiety was there with me. My fear of death. My purity. I lost my virginity, but just can’t find sin in me. And I land.

Alone…

Sick…

I made a mistake…

What did I do?

This fucking headache.

What happened? No alarm. I respond in good humor. I was fucked up. Just playing, no harm.

But this place is foreign. It looks like I’m in a barn.

Some dirty ass floor. It holds my bracelet with charms. My luck there on the floor.

My… Fuck, my arm.

Some starchy slab…no…That’s paper I have…

Pinned onto my skin. The message in pen caught my tired gaze.

Held by a syringe. I just can’t forget. The message plays.  Over again.

The perversity started with the feeling in my stomach, and paranoia from the note to my brain.

Congratulation. Good morning. You’re infected with Aids.

Good luck trying to age. No more sex phase. No more school plays. No more being afraid.

No more dreaming of growing up. I just can’t just the preacher.

No wasting time on double features, no more planning for the future.

No more health nut. Just passion. Extending myself into existentialism. No more time for fighting, or hiding, or faking, or lying. No more world. No more God. No more time. Time is gone. Just a place. No place. No breath. No senses. No face.  

Just rape. Rape that stains. Stains my brains. Stains my blood. I want to lay down forever staring at the sun. No more breath. My song is sung. No more young.

No more blood.

Just some bud, but that’s a givin.

I can’t do it legally, but no one could punish me.

No lethal. No illegal. No grow old. No grow. No go.

Just…be. Me being.

No more me. No more being.

Just…A trip to a university for a party.

Oops. Made a bad judgement. Took a risk.

I’m a victim. A real pigeon.  A real dead joke.

Poke. POKE.

1. This right here. I am playing and not doing homework. School is killer

2. I am lonely. (Keep in mind. This is livejournal.) I am almost desperate. Not crying myself to sleep. I just am aware that I'm alone constantly, and have no time for women.  Sometimes no one is around. Sometime no one is attracted to me. Sometimes I'm attracted to no one. Now... I realize that even if I am attracted to somebody I cannot even get plans together, because of my shit schedule. 
              There is this girl named Jill that is just perfect. She is like...the first 10 that I've met. Now that I met her I just want to die. I feel like girls should just be on her level. I just wish I had never met her. I shouldn't even think about her, but she is in all of my classes. My gay voice coach said "If I were a breeder, I would put a ring on that girls finger."  I need to get famous. I need to get money. I need to get somewhere. I need to get hot, or get something to make me marketable to someone like her. I don't even have a right to complain, because if you met her. You'd fall in love too. 

3. Nate and Stephanie bitched at me today. Fuck that. They do not pull their weight. 

4. Time is ticking...all the time. I have to do homework. 
-Peace

Current Mood:

aggravated

It is a long, hard life. I don't know why people say it's short... I feel like this is taking forever.

I care about nothing...Especially the little things.
Nighty
Night

I think I have an un attractive soul....
I'll elaborate when kevin is no longer behind me.

So...I haven't updated in a while, but life has been wild. I have been living at school, practically. I haven't been to work in weeks. lol. 
I have to work on the dance show, which means that I flirt with a bunch of girls that I, most likely, have no chance with. I am the only guy in a building of like 30 girls. I have to take a cold shower every other night. lol. 
I did my musical theater BFA auditions. It was scary, but it is now over. 
I finished my directing scene, 1 act play, and tap number. Load off my back. 
Now I just have about two more term papers due, my acting audition for the BFA program, and my Jazz number. 
I am freakin beat. 
I had audition for disneyland...They told me that I wasn't qualified for the top dancing spots...which I didn't really care about...because I wanted to do the stilt walking thing. I did the straight stilts, and bouncing stilts, and they told me I did well. Hopefully I get that part. Much better than working at Ross. lol. 
I auditioned for "Night of the Iguana." I got a call back, and am crossing my fingers for a part. They asked for tumbling, and I was the only one who could do a back handspring and clean cartwheels. So...I hope I finally get a fucking part. All of this was this week...plus my finals.
I will have a normal life in a week. 
Women... I bit off more than I could chew. 
BTW I love you. HAHAHA!!!
don't mind me. I am just messing around. 

Current Location:	The Music
Current Mood:	creative
Current Music:	In Rainbos

I was thinking about that song a while back, because it used to mean a lot to me. It is such a sweet song. 

I fell apart the other day in front of two girls at school... I was really busy and upset, and tried to withdraw myself, which I hate doing, but needed. They seeked me out to try to help me, and just broke for a minute. Tears...dry them off. Maintain posture. Dry again. I'm ok, but for that 15 seconds, I was alive in front of people that I did not want to be. I don't know. It was bullshit, and I rarely get like that. I have just been so stressed lately. I am soooooo poor. I am really scared right now. It literally is fucking hard to eat sometimes. I am not starving, but I used to have the freedom to buy lunch at school when I lacked. I used to be able to drive my car wherever. I used to by booze, and Ganja. I don't know now. I just hate not having any source of life. I am hitting a really crazy peak at school. My auditions are coming very soon for Juries. My future path will be decided in the next month. I am praying everyday that I do not fall apart. I really am. I have no money and a lot to do. I am frightened. 

Speeding ticket. 
Crossing while a pedestrian was in the crosswalk.
180 dollars overdraft from Wamu in a matter of hours. I want to fucking die

And it is all a snowball from something that wasn't my fault. I really feel like a victim, but I will not find a valuable soul to pity me. 
It is ok, though.

History test Monday
"Chess Game" duet Monday
Bio Lab due monday

Not living... Just killing time.
I feel so pointless.

I hate looking pathetic, but I am not ashamed. Just a little hallow. I can make it better. I always do. 

Current Mood:	melancholy
Current Music:	No Doubt

It is always a scary process, but it is now over. I had a hell of the ride this summer.
Thank you. I love those of you made a good time. I love those mother fuckers who made it a bad time. I still hope you get fucking a broken face. That was a small group of 12, though. Still love yah. Always will.

Bye Bye, summer. 

HELLOOOOOO FULLERTON (bitches) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling ok. Not extreme. My moods have been pretty cool lately. I am done with feeling moody.  I realize I post some negative crap, but I am busy and happy when I am not bitching.

I went to Matt's. I saw some old frieds, and some old disturbances. Played some good music, and some disturbing. It was pretty chill. I went to Rock the Bells. Janelle is awesome for the ticket. I approve her for Matt. She is not such a whore...like that other one...not that one. The one who's waisting here life!Ooops! I didn't say that. It's ok...shit. 

Umm....I am winning in life. I think. Auditions this Sunday. 

I AM STABLE!
I AM NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!

Getting my mom stoned would be like getting my cat stoned. I run out there and blow two hits in his little face. and It stumbles over to the car and lays under it for hours, giving me this look like..."Oh, Great. I'm stoned now."

Ahhh....I am in a good place of feeling. I need a job. Oh well. Things will be cool. Life is getting to be more in order. I do not feel as misrable as I have before. Life has been bittersweet, but sweet, nonetheless. I feel a good peace in life. My wisdom teeth are killing me. I want to die. They make me want to do drugs.

Denise...thank you for being so complimentary in planning a date with me. It is just too bad that I thought you were different. It was wonderful. It was not as wonderful as the times that Maria cancelled on me. That was truely special. It is funny. I feel so terrible right now...I don't know why my posts have been so packed with hatred. Well...I do...but I am going through a frustrating time. I seldom meet a girl that I like and respect. It is wonderful. Denise...is different. Physically...she is pretty...I didn't even think about that at first. She was neutral...but I got to know her a little better, and I saw a gorgeous person errupt. It hurts so bad that these girls that I can actually respect do the same old dumb-bitch things. I would never do something like that. I just want to crawl in a dark whole for about a week, and come back the world. I just want to temporarily disappear. I just want someone to pity. I want some sort of embrace of...don't sweat it...at least you have me. I just want something better than this. I don't want everything...I just want some specific things that are hung right in front of me.