What is this?

maxthemartyr @ 2008-02-26T22:15:00

2008-02-27T06:53:25Z

Just another victim

I went out. Had some drinks. It was a lovely night. Not a cloud in the sky. Not a significant day. I know the general time of month. What is time now that I’m a victim? They say the best revenge is served cold. Vengeance is the coldest at all. It creeps at you like a love letter you never expected to receive through the loneliness the long day.

It was supposed to be a trip. It was a risk. I knew that from the beginning. My only trap being the color of my skin, because my people abused their people, back when neither of us knew anyone. I donated the money. I became a liberal. I speak against the tyranny of conservatism, yet. The animals elsewhere blame me for their poverty, desperation, tradition, corruption, not to mention…addiction. Take my clothes and money. Take my life, but don’t put a tumultuous curse in my blood. Take anything you want, but don’t damn me with the stigma of sexlessness. Don’t cut off my family. Don’t damn my production, and if I decide to go for another… re-production.

I got in my car. From my car in my home until the wheels touched the lot. Feet from the lot of the University into the trolley. From the trolley. To the foreign country. From the ground to the taxi. From the taxi to the club. I had a few drinks. I had a nice dance. I had a few more. Like a monet painting. The ceiling got blurry. My sack of bones hit the floor.

So I dreamed a dreamed. I was falling. My anxiety was there with me. My fear of death. My purity. I lost my virginity, but just can’t find sin in me. And I land.

Alone…

Sick…

I made a mistake…

What did I do?

This fucking headache.

What happened? No alarm. I respond in good humor. I was fucked up. Just playing, no harm.

But this place is foreign. It looks like I’m in a barn.

Some dirty ass floor. It holds my bracelet with charms. My luck there on the floor.

My… Fuck, my arm.

Some starchy slab…no…That’s paper I have…

Pinned onto my skin. The message in pen caught my tired gaze.

Held by a syringe. I just can’t forget. The message plays. Over again.

The perversity started with the feeling in my stomach, and paranoia from the note to my brain.

Congratulation. Good morning. You’re infected with Aids.

Good luck trying to age. No more sex phase. No more school plays. No more being afraid.

No more dreaming of growing up. I just can’t just the preacher.

No wasting time on double features, no more planning for the future.

No more health nut. Just passion. Extending myself into existentialism. No more time for fighting, or hiding, or faking, or lying. No more world. No more God. No more time. Time is gone. Just a place. No place. No breath. No senses. No face.

Just rape. Rape that stains. Stains my brains. Stains my blood. I want to lay down forever staring at the sun. No more breath. My song is sung. No more young.

No more blood.

Just some bud, but that’s a givin.

I can’t do it legally, but no one could punish me.

No lethal. No illegal. No grow old. No grow. No go.

Just…be. Me being.

No more me. No more being.

Just…A trip to a university for a party.

Oops. Made a bad judgement. Took a risk.

I’m a victim. A real pigeon. A real dead joke.

Poke. POKE.

maxthemartyr @ 2008-02-24T13:55:00

2008-02-24T21:59:00Z

I think therefore, I am...
Everyone else just thinks that they are.

maxthemartyr @ 2008-02-20T18:01:00

2008-02-21T02:04:49Z

Please tie my wrists to wooden boards, because I have this urge to sing all the time with no regard to the peace of others.
Today was fun. Busy. I am going to keep busy.

maxthemartyr @ 2008-02-19T20:08:00

2008-02-20T04:22:45Z

Um... I'm having a lot of trouble. The first...

1. This right here. I am playing and not doing homework. School is killer

2. I am lonely. (Keep in mind. This is livejournal.) I am almost desperate. Not crying myself to sleep. I just am aware that I'm alone constantly, and have no time for women. Sometimes no one is around. Sometime no one is attracted to me. Sometimes I'm attracted to no one. Now... I realize that even if I am attracted to somebody I cannot even get plans together, because of my shit schedule.
There is this girl named Jill that is just perfect. She is like...the first 10 that I've met. Now that I met her I just want to die. I feel like girls should just be on her level. I just wish I had never met her. I shouldn't even think about her, but she is in all of my classes. My gay voice coach said "If I were a breeder, I would put a ring on that girls finger." I need to get famous. I need to get money. I need to get somewhere. I need to get hot, or get something to make me marketable to someone like her. I don't even have a right to complain, because if you met her. You'd fall in love too.

3. Nate and Stephanie bitched at me today. Fuck that. They do not pull their weight.

4. Time is ticking...all the time. I have to do homework.
-Peace

maxthemartyr @ 2008-02-04T21:44:00

2008-02-05T05:47:07Z

De ar God,
Please let me make it through this semester alone...Well...that's my current state...just change it or help me do the best I could with it.

It is a long, hard life. I don't know why people say it's short... I feel like this is taking forever.

I care about nothing...Especially the little things.
Nighty
Night

maxthemartyr @ 2008-01-23T20:18:00

2008-01-24T04:19:19Z

I started school, but who cares.
I live...ok. It's gonna happen.

I think I have an un attractive soul....
I'll elaborate when kevin is no longer behind me.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-12-08T10:32:00

2007-12-08T18:49:53Z

So...I haven't updated in a while, but life has been wild. I have been living at school, practically. I haven't been to work in weeks. lol.
I have to work on the dance show, which means that I flirt with a bunch of girls that I, most likely, have no chance with. I am the only guy in a building of like 30 girls. I have to take a cold shower every other night. lol.
I did my musical theater BFA auditions. It was scary, but it is now over.
I finished my directing scene, 1 act play, and tap number. Load off my back.
Now I just have about two more term papers due, my acting audition for the BFA program, and my Jazz number.
I am freakin beat.
I had audition for disneyland...They told me that I wasn't qualified for the top dancing spots...which I didn't really care about...because I wanted to do the stilt walking thing. I did the straight stilts, and bouncing stilts, and they told me I did well. Hopefully I get that part. Much better than working at Ross. lol.
I auditioned for "Night of the Iguana." I got a call back, and am crossing my fingers for a part. They asked for tumbling, and I was the only one who could do a back handspring and clean cartwheels. So...I hope I finally get a fucking part. All of this was this week...plus my finals.
I will have a normal life in a week.
Women... I bit off more than I could chew.
BTW I love you. HAHAHA!!!
don't mind me. I am just messing around.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-10-19T10:15:00

2007-10-19T17:31:13Z

I knew she loved me then. I swear to God she did. It was the way she used to bite my lip, and push her hip against my hip, and dig her nails so deep into my skin.

I was thinking about that song a while back, because it used to mean a lot to me. It is such a sweet song.

I fell apart the other day in front of two girls at school... I was really busy and upset, and tried to withdraw myself, which I hate doing, but needed. They seeked me out to try to help me, and just broke for a minute. Tears...dry them off. Maintain posture. Dry again. I'm ok, but for that 15 seconds, I was alive in front of people that I did not want to be. I don't know. It was bullshit, and I rarely get like that. I have just been so stressed lately. I am soooooo poor. I am really scared right now. It literally is fucking hard to eat sometimes. I am not starving, but I used to have the freedom to buy lunch at school when I lacked. I used to be able to drive my car wherever. I used to by booze, and Ganja. I don't know now. I just hate not having any source of life. I am hitting a really crazy peak at school. My auditions are coming very soon for Juries. My future path will be decided in the next month. I am praying everyday that I do not fall apart. I really am. I have no money and a lot to do. I am frightened.

Speeding ticket.
Crossing while a pedestrian was in the crosswalk.
180 dollars overdraft from Wamu in a matter of hours. I want to fucking die

And it is all a snowball from something that wasn't my fault. I really feel like a victim, but I will not find a valuable soul to pity me.
It is ok, though.

History test Monday
"Chess Game" duet Monday
Bio Lab due monday

Warning-Full of Arrogance. List of optomistic possibilites.

2007-10-12T17:09:52Z

So...I am obsessed with drama. I have picked out an assortment of girls, and the way that I try to pick out posative signals. I have little  desire for something serious, so I am playing this little game with my many women. It's like they came out of nowhere. Here they are in order of appearance, and posative notes of my hope that leads me on the mission.

History Liz- She is really cute, and looks like she enjoys a good party environment. She used to be fat, so she has a good attitude, and is humble. She is chill as fuck. She writes, "Martin Rocks," "I <3 Martin" and "Martin is so cool" on the sign in sheet for history EVERY day. I hope she doesn't stop.
Maria- I am pathetic. She still won't come around. I almost sent her a messege saying that she was messsed up for ignoring me, but I realized that I didn't have the right to do that...and Wed. she myspace's me. (Breakfast Date Thurs.)

Musical Theater Jacky- Asian girl, who hollers when I take my shirt off. She Facebooks me out of nowhere. Ubber hot...I suspect she thinks I'm gay. She hangs out with flamboyant guys, so I am afraid she puts me in that category...whatever, I will do what I can.

Jazz I Nicole- Cute, Charming personality. She and Tawnie fight for my attention in Jazz. Nicole and I have gotten into some intimate tickle battles, and she always wants some sort of touch, or contact when we are walking. She pushes like a dog wanting to be pet. (Date tonight)

Bio- Stephanie There is an asian girl that is cute, and has that girls are mean to the boys they like attitude...or she is just a bitch. She always smiles after making fun of me, though. And when she gave me a ride to my car, since I park across the street, she was all self-conscious.

Acting II Jen Marx- She is dark, and very real. There is something so special about her.  She has come around a little, but I don't think I have a chance. We got off on a wrong foot.

Tap I Alexa- She is stunningly pretty. She and I would talk comfortably, joke...but I didn't think anything of it. I hear yesterday from Blake that she has been looking in my direction lately. He drives home with her, so they talk a lot. She is in the 626! She has been my fav, I think .

I was overdrafted two more times since my last entry for things that took too long to go through. I am depressed. One more week until pay. I have dealt with it in my own way.

Things to do:
Duet with Ben- March of the Falsettos- Libretto is at Norwalk.
Concert tonight with nicole
Study for history.
Jazz Combo Practice
Acting II- Meet with group Memorize lines.

Lastly... A list of Audition songs. Whcih do I choose.
Fantastics-Matt.
Jeckle and Hyde- Hyde
1776
Scarlett Pimpernelle.
Crazy for You- Bobby.
March of the Falsettos.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-10-05T10:52:00

2007-10-05T18:27:50Z

I am in a funny place in life. I have no money, or real time. I feel like I have so much to do, and my mind just cannot rest. It has run-a-muck. I am scared, but it is just life for me. I need money while I am in school, yet I have such a demanding schedule that I cannot find a job to appease me. I am in a lonely place. I have grown taller than ever, and have a lot of love to give... but the girls who like me lack substance. I only want these beautiful, impossible girls. I just lose hope sometimes.There is one girl, who isn't the most beautiful...but she is great. I don't know...life can be perpetually disappointing. My heart breaks everytime go to class for Alexa. Maria makes me think she's special by flirting with me like she's interested, but will flake out all the time. The heart wants what it wants. It just hurts. As far as time is concerned... The one girl that I share an interest in...she's innocent. I am afraid that she will be naive or something. I just am afraid of commitment or something... I hate feeling like this. I am pathetic. I don't want an anchor. I don't want to just fuck anymore either. At the same time, I am lonely and want a woman, who will sooth some of the daily pressures of life. Don't get me wrong. My quality of life is awesome, because I feel like I'm growing. I am just lonely, poor, and busy. I want my hometown back. People I thught were my friends. Fullerton fails.

Not living... Just killing time.
I feel so pointless.

I hate looking pathetic, but I am not ashamed. Just a little hallow. I can make it better. I always do.

Dear Journal

2007-09-27T15:09:51Z

Life is pretty fun. I am having a blast at school. It is just so fucking busy. Friends...well...I am making more in the theater Dept. which is pretty cool, because now I have an acceptable network going. I hated people in the past, probably because of my own bitter problems with life/people, but I really feel at home. I am in the Library, hoping Maria answers my text, so we could have some breakfast. I am such a fucking loser over pretty women. hm...It would just make my life...that is all I'm saying.
Yesterday, I had one of those special moments that made my morning. The sign in sheet came around in history, and a big MARTIN ROCKS! was written in girl writing on the side. She is a pretty girl too. It made me feel special. I'll see where that goes. haha.
Other than that, life has been just ok. Steph works at Ross with me. We have a cool relationship, so that is nice.
That is life...ok...back to waiting to see if Maria shows. (It is my only option being here early with Andrew. I'm not that desperate. lol.)

maxthemartyr @ 2007-08-19T19:25:00

2007-08-20T02:34:02Z

Fuck yeah!!! Auditions!!!!

It is always a scary process, but it is now over. I had a hell of the ride this summer.
Thank you. I love those of you made a good time. I love those mother fuckers who made it a bad time. I still hope you get fucking a broken face. That was a small group of 12, though. Still love yah. Always will.

Bye Bye, summer.

HELLOOOOOO FULLERTON (bitches) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maxthemartyr @ 2007-08-15T16:19:00

2007-08-15T23:20:09Z

I um got my first comment yesterday. WOOT!
I am happy... I am also stressed, because of school.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-08-14T17:01:00

2007-08-15T00:09:49Z

I am feeling ok. Not extreme. My moods have been pretty cool lately. I am done with feeling moody. I realize I post some negative crap, but I am busy and happy when I am not bitching.

I went to Matt's. I saw some old frieds, and some old disturbances. Played some good music, and some disturbing. It was pretty chill. I went to Rock the Bells. Janelle is awesome for the ticket. I approve her for Matt. She is not such a whore...like that other one...not that one. The one who's waisting here life!Ooops! I didn't say that. It's ok...shit.

Umm....I am winning in life. I think. Auditions this Sunday.

I AM STABLE!
I AM NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!

maxthemartyr @ 2007-07-23T08:28:00

2007-07-23T15:35:57Z

Things I need to do...
Go to work
Finish finance Aid Stuff (yeah, I know)
Get tues off. for Ventura.
Ten Wil Monologue and song too.
Read plays and finish book
Go to Full. and Apply for jobs.

Things I Want...
Peace...
Shop Show...
album
head shots.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-07-23T08:22:00

2007-07-23T15:22:48Z

Getting my mom stoned would be like getting my cat stoned. I run out there and blow two hits in his little face. and It stumbles over to the car and lays under it for hours, giving me this look like..."Oh, Great. I'm stoned now."

maxthemartyr @ 2007-07-12T11:33:00

2007-07-12T18:35:02Z

OK...he's been locked up for a little while. I think that's enough. :-/
Even I think he should be out. It's a shame. 70 x 7

maxthemartyr @ 2007-07-11T23:30:00

2007-07-12T06:33:30Z

Ahhh....I am in a good place of feeling. I need a job. Oh well. Things will be cool. Life is getting to be more in order. I do not feel as misrable as I have before. Life has been bittersweet, but sweet, nonetheless. I feel a good peace in life. My wisdom teeth are killing me. I want to die. They make me want to do drugs.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-06-13T14:06:00

2007-06-13T21:07:06Z

Hey everyone. I'm feeling better. We'll see how it all turns out.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-06-11T23:57:00

2007-06-12T07:07:11Z

Denise...thank you for being so complimentary in planning a date with me. It is just too bad that I thought you were different. It was wonderful. It was not as wonderful as the times that Maria cancelled on me. That was truely special. It is funny. I feel so terrible right now...I don't know why my posts have been so packed with hatred. Well...I do...but I am going through a frustrating time. I seldom meet a girl that I like and respect. It is wonderful. Denise...is different. Physically...she is pretty...I didn't even think about that at first. She was neutral...but I got to know her a little better, and I saw a gorgeous person errupt. It hurts so bad that these girls that I can actually respect do the same old dumb-bitch things. I would never do something like that. I just want to crawl in a dark whole for about a week, and come back the world. I just want to temporarily disappear. I just want someone to pity. I want some sort of embrace of...don't sweat it...at least you have me. I just want something better than this. I don't want everything...I just want some specific things that are hung right in front of me.

I'm sitting in the dark

2007-06-12T06:49:15Z

I've never felt so disgusted in all my life. I really am sad. I have never just accepted that I sincerely hate someone. I don't wish they were dead. I calmly, and evily, and darkly HATE someone. I really hate. I hate hate hate hate them. I am not angry, sad, disappointed, or flying off the handle. I just never felt real hatred until today. I am physically sick. I am just a baby, I know. But...I just fucking hate. I wish I could help it.

I just want it to stop. I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried and tried, and the world isn't fucking fair. I am at my wits end. I have been myself and followed my heart...What if myself sucks? What if my heart is misleading? I've never felt so sick and low. I don't cry...but the way my mind is moving...I might as well be. I just feel sick and terrible, and like the world and universe as I know it is one big lie. I sincerely hate so bad. It is by far the most horrible feeling. I hate so bad.

Fuck a bitch
don't tease bitch
striptease bitch,
eat up both of these, bitch,
and gobble a dick.

Hos have got to eat a dick and SHUT THE FUCK UP. I've had enough with dumb bitches lately.
Sorry to those of you who are actually WOMEN. BITCHES are ruining the world for you. WOMEN, next time you see a dumb bitch. Slap the fuck out of her for me. It would make my life.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-06-07T08:53:00

2007-06-07T15:57:06Z

You've seen how green my grass is. Now, welcome to my world. Blades were thown, and every thing that was sown will grow. I told you. I told you that you would know. You never listened, and now that it is here you argue that you were too young to know the difference. Just keep rolling your eyes.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-06-03T22:56:00

2007-06-04T05:57:25Z

I don't know man. Haha. I think life is crazy. I need to practice for future show.

:-) Bye

maxthemartyr @ 2007-05-29T08:58:00

2007-05-29T16:03:15Z

I spend too much time hating on myself. I am done with weed today.
:-/
The sad thing is how I am serious.
I hate my life. I really do. I am so immature. I can't hold my tongue no matter how much I try.
I reach for self control (not drug related...social) but there is none. I'm tired of being sad.
No drug helps it. I have passions. It doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. It is just the brief periods of true happiness. I am done rationalizing shit. If you do then you are just fucked. The world hates you if you are really thinking. I'm so done. I'm so done thinking. I need so much fucking more than this.
I will feel better. The mornings are cool, but the nights are hard.
Maybe I just don't want to go to work right now.

maxthemartyr @ 2007-05-28T14:01:00

2007-05-28T21:06:05Z

"I heard that paybacks a mutherfucking bitch, but I won't stress snitch, and I would not take my life." Bradly nowell

I hate my life so much right now. It is so frustrating to live.

"I'm completely alone at a table of friends."

I swear to God that I am satisfied. My brain, house, job, money are all under control. My heart is unbroken...but...it has shrunk about a size. I really hate life.